under a molten sky, let the days collide.

**-**

gimmefiction has MOVED to.. http://www.sound-meets-sound.blogspot.com

*here in my head* at 1:02 p.m. ; 2007-10-13
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**The windows are open**

through the storms and the light
baby you stood by my side, and
life is wine.

sound meets sound, babe
the echoes they surround
the love that we need is one thing
now what is there to allow?
baby it's time we give something new a try
oh alone we may fight,
and feathers bend like trees in the moonlight.
baby it's time we give something new a try
oh alone we may fight.
so just let us be free tonight.

*here in my head* at 1:05 a.m. ; 2007-10-11
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**"here's looking at you, kid."**

Music: There's No I in Threesome ; Interpol

God. I think i've watched the end sequence of Casablanca about 10 times for my film paper. i never thought i'd struggle so much with a mere 4 pages of mise-en-scene and cinematography. Rusty indeed.

i think it might be possible to say that i MIGHT MIGHT be starting to appreciate blue skies. The sun is not that bad- especially with a less-than-modest coating of sunblock. Besides, too much rain makes it all to melancholy.

i can't count the number of times i've said, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH of keats/shelley/coleridge/wordsworth/guy-who-wrote-vathek. ENOUGH. enough lyrical waxing about nature/children/pre-natal divinity and will someone tell me what in god's name "glad animal moments" means? poetry is pretentious. shelley said it himself- it's an 'immortalisation' of an aspect of life we might not necessarily consider otherwise, made alien and almost unrecongisable to us. poetry is a FRAMING, people. it forces you to consider something that may not be important in the first place. it's seamless artifice. it's unrealistic. it's the decoration of the archaic. dynamic and disguisable to the point of utter inconsistency.

maybe im just lashing out at school because of the seeming pointlessness of dissecting 150 pages of meandering poetry.

do we miss our vampire existence? desperately, almost yearningly (is that even a word.). but what we have now is healthy. different. different good?, you may ask. Well, here's looking at us all.

so swoon baby, starry nights,
may our bodies remain

*here in my head* at 3:07 p.m. ; 2007-09-28
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**blow the end now , baby**

I think the solution to a lot of problem is just to.. eliminate all sense of expectation. without expectation, we would have nothing to strive towards, yes, but on the bright side, we would have nothing to be disappointed with. If we just stopped cutting stereotypes out from various sources and pasting them on people we know, maybe we wouldn't feel so fucked over all the time. After all, what is expectation but fictional behavior that one happens to predict for someone else? Prediction. People think fortune tellers have it all wrong with their fluff, but they have no idea that they engage in this sort of future-seeking discourse everyday, deceptively realistic, when in fact is the very foil to faith.

Without expectation, people would surprise us all the time. Expectation stripped down is another form of bias. An educated guess about character DOES NOT equate to accuracy about that person's actions. As so succinctly wrought by modern speak, shit happens. It doesn't matter what promises have been made, it doesn't matter what the motivations are, and it doesn't even matter that accidents occur. When things happen they really do HAPPEN in all surreal yet frighteningly realistic aspects of the word. All one can do is mope, cry, and try to cope.

Without expectations, we won't feel such utter betrayal. We get to extinguish, once and for all, the dangerous and overrated emotion bit of the 'shit happens' realm. Why wouldn't anyone want that?

all full of wine, the world before her,
was sober with no place to go.
but don't fool yourself,
she was heartache from the moment that you met her.
and my heart is frozen still,
as i try to find the will to forget her,
somehow,
i think i've forgotten her now.

[jeff buckley - forget her]

*here in my head* at 3:55 p.m. ; 2007-09-22
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Hey Jupiter.**

Sometimes I breathe you in,
and i know you know.
And sometimes you take a swim,
found your writing on the wall.
And if my heart's soaking wet,
boy your boots can leave a mess.
Hey Jupiter,
nothing's been the same,
so are you gay?
Are you blue?
Thought we both could use a friend to run to.
And i thought i wouldn't have to be,
with you,
hiding.

[Tori Amos - Hey Jupiter]

*here in my head* at 1:16 p.m. ; 2007-09-12
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Either/Or.**

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
Drink up with me now
And forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there with your hands in the air
Waiting to be finally caught
Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

[ Elliott Smith - Between the Bars ]

*here in my head* at 12:33 p.m. ; 2007-09-09
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**a sorta fairytale with you.**

Music: Scarlet's Walk

We've found a new love over at Mark's. After two hours of flavour-less poker, we started Blackjack. Without mutual hatred at all the raising/calling, i must say it is a lot more fun.

all the bets on me- wow they really do believe in me.

Anyway, school has finally settled into a rather comfortable routine. For the first time, i actually see people i know/can talk to. Lit and film classes are pretty interesting- for once i'm almost (with the exception of James Joyce and the flop of a movie, Dead Again) enjoying what im studying.

20th century british lit -__-

no, rohai's not taking notes- he's surfing facebook.

Quotes-

Aude: eh i havent seen you in a million years! damn school!

Abel: (walking down a corridor) josh from now on call me THUNDER LIZARD!

-Mark goes bust as blackjack dealer-
Everyone: YESSSS!!!!
Mark: (shakes head) omg this is damn jialat.

Me: oh where did you get this ring from?
My mother: I BOUGHT IT!
Me: yes i know you bought it obviously, but when i say 'where' i mean 'where did you buy it from'?
My mother: that is the same thing.
Me: no it's not! if i wanted to know you bought it i would've asked "HOW did you get this ring?'
My mother: HAIYA just because you're a lit major you think you're so clever.

Dennis: EH you all buy handphone for fashion statement issit!

-during film tutorial-
Rohai: (meaning Emma Thompson the actress) .. and then that Emma Bunton said..
Me: (interrupting) eh it's EMMA THOMPSON LA
Rohai: oh then who is Emma Bunton?
Me: SPICE GIRL.
Rohai: OH YEAH! hahaha.

He says he's got a healing machine that glows in the dark,
he says there's not a lot of me left any more,
just leave it alone.
But if you're by, and you have the time,
Tell the Northern lights to keep shining,
Lately it seems like they're drowning.

*here in my head* at 8:23 p.m. ; 2007-09-05
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Don't make me pull him out of your head**

im so swamped with work it's not even funny. i think nus expects us to devour every bit of reading material eager as can be and spit all of it out in a perfect, condensed thesis at the end of (if we're lucky) our honours year. sometimes i think life makes us so busy to trick us into thinking- or that, we unconsciously seek distractions to believe- all this is for some Holy Grail of effort or success or some semblance of ironic triumph. the more we see, the more blind we get to the daily grind of sleep/eat/travel/study/meet/sleep/eat.

there's a canadian guy in NUS who walks around with his suitcase as a result of self-declared homelessness, so as to be 'displaced from conventional personal space', instead deciding to carry his 'space' around with him as a constant aura. the only observation he has so far came as rather anti-climatic epiphany when he was spending the night in a multi-storey carpark and he observed a sense of 'overwhelming panic' because 'the sky was so big'. laughable yes, but almost tragic. when i heard of him, the first thing i thought was something equally cliched yet felt so damn wise: i too could do this. i am free to do whatever i want. then the moment passed.

my romanticism module tracks the works of artists who felt the descent of madness and darkness that are so often glazed over by a sanitising society- they advocate the idea of emotion, over the enemy that is reason. i was so completely swept away by this notion that i forgot i existed in the real world. it's sobering when you live in your own head, finding out that you're there alone. im so in love with my fantastical expectations, the utter perceived improvabilityof everything that im disappointed by reality on a daily basis.

wordsworth and coleridge argued that we don't exist in a conscious space of the past, present and future, but that we act in a interdependent accumulation of the culmination of all in a very present moment of being. that's true, we don't actively evoke the past/present/future as a lightning-quick neuron reflex every minute, but basically we all struggle to survive, to keep our heads above the 'everything' of the everyday, the sky that is so 'big' and overwhelming.

lately i've been feeling, undeniably, that i'm drowning. as someone who thrives on stability (in terms of relationships with people, situations in life, and preferbly rainy weather), i can safely say that certainty is what keeps my feet on the ground, and what grants me the permission to daydream. contradictory as this may sound, it's actually very simple- i fantasize about how things will change, and hope they do, but only in the direction i want them to. childish and narrow? perhaps, but it's also a kind of self-preservation precaution.

i don't want to be under-appreciated. i don't want to be taken for granted. i don't want another crushing disappointment. i don't want something else to push me closer to the edge of my faith in people (already faint). i want to believe in passion. i want to know that blind love exists. i want to know im working towards this, but i receive no sign that i'm doing anything right. it's like sprinting your heart out and realising you've been running on the spot. or more like wandering around in the woods for hours, and still not knowing if you've made progress or lost yourself further.

i blame music, honestly. since i was a child i assumed everyone would go through dazzling epiphanies, the experience of the (admittedly, vague and remote) idea of true love, pain and suffering before being saved- i assumed the male would fuck up majorly only to save his love in the nick of time, and that would prove once and for all that he was true. of course, this is disgustingly unrealistic, but the fact that such music is still being written only serves to prove to me that hope does (albeit tentatively and inconsistently) float.

i blame ella fitzgerald. i blame the eagles. i blame john mayer. i blame those damn sweet tortured souls. jeff buckley. scott matthews. dave grohl. tori amos' music is practically a lesson in tongues, but the fool in me interprets it as a kind of fierce passion and love that transports you to somewhere ethereal, magic. i blame the undeniable power of rhetoric. the intensity and romanticising effect of art in retrospect. a toxic combination to be sure, but even as we know this is artificial, exaggerated, glossed over and airbrushed, we hope it exists. and we hope it happens to us.

i know my constant acting up only serves to alienate people, but sometimes i can't control my disappointment. disappointment that no one knows me as well as i'd like them to or thought they did. do i have to swallow disappointment for the rest of my life? i want to banish hurt and regret forever. i know sometimes people don't mean doing the things they do, resulting in effects they don't know are disaster, but oblivion sometimes serves as the ultimate twist of the knife to me.

all i ever wanted, all i ever needed
is here, in my arms.
words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm.

[Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence]

*here in my head* at 7:18 p.m. ; 2007-08-29
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**I LOVE KRYSTAL TAN**

I LOVE KRYSTAL TAN HUI LING

*here in my head* at 4:48 p.m. ; 2007-08-13
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Let it Die.**

Music: No I in Threesome ; Interpol

I have some things to say.

1)

Cliff: Eh it has been THREE entries on your blog already, and you've never mentioned me ONCE!
Me: you weren't even in Singapore!
Cliff: EXACTLY! why can't you put.. 'I miss Clifford!'?

So.. CLIFFORD CHOW YAN DAO I MISS YOU. The sentimentality of sending Cliff off at the airport was marred slightly by the fact that he had to run in at the last min at last call. But poker nights will never be the same without sashimi and beef stew at nassim, looking for yakult, eating cherries, gazing at a massive coka cola collection, arguing about the aircon temperature, and prata suppers at the prata cafe.

2) Recent poker sessions have witnessed a surge in slightly massive hands.

pocket 6s- all in

King Ace- all in

flop

see clifford? this is why we miss you

3) The 2-week stint of Aude and I at INSEAD has passed- can i just say that work was really quite good.

the view from our office window

carpark

garden+pond

lounge

the clutter that keeps me company at my desk.

4) Domi and i attended a kids' bowling party at Raffles Town Club.

i swear. but it was fun, watching the balls ricocheting off the gutter blocks / creep down the lane so slowly they sometimes came to a dead halt/ stubbornly cling onto the side of the lane until they fell into the gutter anyway. we ate all the fries, kept score (lowest 42, highest 92), and were generally the photographers of the party.

we stole lightsticks too.

Quotes-

TowHan: (after poker) eh clifford i pay you 10 bucks to send me home?
Cliff: hmm actually 10 bucks is not bad
TowHan: YA if i call cab in it'll be 15 bucks at least
Cliff: then maybe i should increase my rate to 15 bucks too!
TowHan: crazy! then i'll just ask jianhui to send me out la
JianHui: 3 dollars.

Dennis+Towhan: (mumbling at the front of the car)
Me: what's wrong guys?
TowHan: this idiot is out of gas.
Dennis: relax la! Changi sure got petrol station- actually im looking for a Shell Station okay?

-10 mins later-

TowHan: WAH Changi people dont need to pump petrol issit!
Dennis: Can you imagine we stall in the middle of changi?
JianHui: Can you imgine we stall while driving up a petrol station?
Me: can you imagine we pump petrol at a station, and then drive on and see a Shell?
TowHan: eh you all are damn noisy.

Dennis: IJ girls are damn noisy
TowHan: yeah la jess i used to think Daph was the noisiest girl i know until i met you.
Me: eh wait til you see Domi in top form!

Domi: Nick, you are on lizard patrol.
Nick: what is lizard patrol?
Domi: oh. when we get to my old room, you must go in first, stomp your feet, clap your hands and scare the lizards away before jess and i go in!

peace outttttt everyone.

*here in my head* at 1:06 p.m. ; 2007-08-12
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**"car-chase-sex-scene-drugs-love-insert-archetypical-theme-here"**

Charlie Kaufman: [voiceover] Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliche. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more. Improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that.

From Adaptation.

*Facebook has started giving me quotes from my favourite movies. i am so loving that.

*here in my head* at 1:40 p.m. ; 2007-08-07
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**i'm hiding out in the big city blinking.**

Music: Elevator Love Letter ; Stars

OMG. SOMEONE STAB ME WITH A KNIFE. Bidding for next semester's modules is turning out to be a bigger nightmare than i expected. 4 out of 5 of my modules have tutorials on either monday or tuesday, so this means that i will be walkingzombie.com on the first two days of the week.

My tuesday reads as such:

10-12 (Soci of Pop culture, tutorial)
12-1 (Film Studies, tutorial)
1-2 (Romanticism, tutorial)
2-6 (film lecture)

Last sem's 6 hour day saw Chuin and i appearing for an average of 40 mins per Tuesday and skipping everything else. I'm sitting here in the office, panicking harder by the minute, mainly because i don't see myself aquiring a time-turner to enable me to get to all my lessons every Monday and Tuesday.

I know i said i was looking forward to school, but it has come as a very rude shock to me that there is school:

1) almost everyday
2) at consecutive time slots
3) in the mornings
4) in the evenings
5) full-time.

Quotes-

jess ; says:
disgusting!
jess ; says:
i was under the impression we had like max 3 hours a day
steph says:
HAHA
steph says:
are you crazy
jess ; says:
but last sem that's what i had!
steph says:
no you didn't
steph says:
you just skipped shakespeare every other week remember?!
steph says:
and film as well

jess ; says:
shoot me in the ear
AUDE �� midnight mayhem says:
haha aww jess
AUDE �� midnight mayhem says:
dont worry
AUDE �� midnight mayhem says:
i'll sneak out at 1 during tut
AUDE �� midnight mayhem says:
to have lunch with you

Me: eh bryan take American History with me!
Bryan: I failed history in sec 3. I am not suicidal.

Gwen: Be Zen.

*here in my head* at 11:50 a.m. ; 2007-07-30
------------------------------------------------------------------------
**We can have a few decent days and nights**

Music: Undecided ; the Magic Numbers

GOODBYE JULI, who is now 'freezing (her) CB off' in Perth- you will be missed over here :

you can't start a fire,
without a spark,
this gun's for hire,
even if we're just dancing in the dark.

Anyway, im glad to report i've been less of a slob these days- Aude and i have started working together, under sudden but timely attack of conscience. We spend our days stoning in front of our computers, dreaming of lunch and coffee breaks. But i can't complain, the money's great and the work's more than manageable. :)

Getting through the last few weeks of holiday is less painful than i imagined- im actually semi-looking forward to starting school again.

don't go, say you'll stay,
spend a lazy sunday in my arms,
don't take anything away.

I <3.

*here in my head* at 7:10 p.m. ; 2007-07-29
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**Antics.**

If time is my vessel, then learning to love
Might be my way back to sea
The flying, the metal, the turning above
These are just ways to be seen
We all get paid
Some get faith before they die
But the stars we will navigate
Through the holes in your eyes

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?
Oh you and I

Oh, so swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain.
You move with me, I'll treat you right, baby,
May our bodies remain.

There is love to be made
So just stay here for this while
Perhaps heartstrings recuscitate
The fading sounds of your life..

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?
Oh you and I.

So swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
As deep we move, I'll feed you light, baby
May our bodies remain
Oh yeah in history, I'll treat you right, baby
I'm honest that way, hey

Swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain..

[ Public Pervert - Interpol ]

*here in my head* at 3:26 a.m. ; 2007-07-23
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**It could begin and end in one evening**

Music: Only the rapid beating of my heart + the shouts of "Ron!" "Hermione!" "Harry!" "Hagrid!" "Luna!" my mind has planted since this morning 4am + clanking disbelief that the entire Harry Potter series has indeed come to an end.

I had a perfect weekend- i know i tend to vacillate between extremeties without reason or warning, but there really is no other way to describe this weekend. First off, dinner at Giraffe:

I never thought much of the pasta the last time i was there for Aude/Sam's birthday dinner, but the lamb with crushed nuts was mm-mm good.

A so-so salmon seared with lemon sauce with surprisingly redeeming mashed potatoes (they were really quite phenomenal).

A gorgeous lava chocolate cake that left my mouth begging for water, but was so goood.

We headed down to Boat Quay for Juli's unofficial 'farewell' Beat! party at Club Home- it's strange, but recently i've been experiencing a newfound relish in Singapore sights, which witnesses me branishing my camera at the oddest moments:

The Singapore river by night. isn't it beautiful?

Club Home was, in one word, fantastic. Regrettably, most of the pictures that captured the expressions on our faces (priceless, i tell you) are not fit for public viewing as they make us look like crap.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

my life,

you electrify my life.

let's conspire to ignite

all the souls that would die just to feel alive.

i'll never let you go

if you promise not to fade awayyyy/ nevre fade away

But honestly, THE MUSIC. oh the MUSIC. Domi and i were bobbing our heads along politely to some unknown song when they put on the Killers. After energetic screaming from our slightly over-enthusiastic crowd (prompting a lot of very unglam and unflattering shots to be snapped of us), they, as if on cue, played Muse's Starlight, the very song i went there to hear.

Friday- psychedelic night.

Domi's and my disgusting rendition of Young Folks ringing in my ear, i fell asleep Friday night all eager for the release of Harry Potter. Sure enough, once someone managed to roll out of bed, we had a nice lunch/tea in Jelita, tucking into warm toast and creamy soup while the rain fell gracefully outside, happily discussing our theories about the book, then headed back to spend all afternoon/evening reading, while some people slept some more.

Saturday- lazy day (don't kill meeee it's a cute picture).

*HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILER WARNING*

I guess there is no hope for the 'Save Harry' petition, as Rowling killed off characters i never thought she ever would (most shocking of all were Fred and Lupin), plus she even did that lame-ass, fan-fiction-worthy, "19 Years Later" rubbish that i pretended to scoff at but secretly sniffed over, feeling sentimental and foolish.

SNAPE WAS IN LOVE WITH LILY EVANS! OMG i was so sad when i read that part containing his memories.. how tragic. I was hoping Snape wouldnt be evil and i loved how she kept us hanging til the very end about his loyalty towards Dumbledore.

OKAAAY but i thought it was really lame how Harry was all 'prepared' to go over to the other side to join Sirius and his parents and etc, and then he ended up in some weird alternate realm at Kings Cross with Dumbledore (i know everyone loves him but is it impossible to have one damn book without his long-winded stories and musings.), moping about himself as the Chosen One yet again. It was kinda dumb how like.. he was supposed to be destroyed by Voldemort, but it was only the latter's soul that was killed, and not Harry's body. IF you ask me, Rowling relies too much on the grey area between body and soul, mortality and immortality, and such- although granted, if Harry had died, the ending wouldnt be any less cliched.

*SPOILERS OVER*

Most of all, I'm just sad that the HP series is over- the next generation of HP readers are not going to experience the kind of anticipation we went through, waiting for the next book, and that's just sad.

Quotes-

Woman at bookstore: (overheard by our scandalised ears) ahh no need to buy the book, just turn to the last page and see who dies can already!

Me: (as Le Disko starts playing) OMG it's Shiny Toy Guns!!!
Nick: i have a shiny toy gun..
Domi: HAHA I HEARD THAT.

Steph: SO???
Me: I HAVEN'T FINISHED THE BOOK YET DON'T TELL ME!
Steph: HURRY UP! i finished it at 11.30!

Me: OMG domi they're playing Young Folks! Weren't we singing it just now?
Domi: THAT'S why i was singing it dumbass.

Me: you idiot the pictures are not fit for human eyes.
Nick: i know.. i have this skill- i can catch people at their most unglam moments, mouths open, hands up, everything.

The Killers: COME WITH ME...
Domi + I: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!
Juli: (running over) OH MY GOD!
Belle: WHAT???

All in all, a weekend to be remembered. This is what life is about- rainy days and nights, good company, great music, aircon, steak dinners, pillows, hot showers, long naps and delicious sleep, creamy clam chowder soup, and people you love.

We took a back road,
we're gonna look at the stars,
we took a back road in my car.
Down to the ocean,
there's only water and sand.
And in the ocean we'll hold hands.

*here in my head* at 6:46 p.m. ; 2007-07-22
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